First Presbyterian Church
Grief Grabs Us
Sermon for September 19, 2004
by Pastor Susan Barnes

Psalm 79 is a psalm of lament. It is found on page 709 of our pew Bibles. The psalmist complains about the trouble God's people are in, and the way their neighbors are taunting them. The psalmist blames God for it all and tries to bargain with God, offering the promise of praise if God will get them out of this mess. Listen for the word of God as we read it together in Psalm 79. A Psalm of Asaph.

1 O God, the nations have come into your inheritance; they have defiled your holy temple; they have laid Jerusalem in ruins.
2 They have given the bodies of your servants to the birds of the air for food, the flesh of your faithful to the wild animals of the earth.
3 They have poured out their blood like water all around Jerusalem , and there was no one to bury them.
4 We have become a taunt to our neighbors, mocked and derided by those around us.
5 How long, O LORD? Will you be angry forever? Will your jealous wrath burn like fire?
6 Pour out your anger on the nations that do not know you, and on the kingdoms that do not call on your name.
7 For they have devoured Jacob and laid waste his habitation.
8 Do not remember against us the iniquities of our ancestors; let your compassion come speed ily to meet us, for we are brought very low.
9 Help us, O God of our salvation, for the glory of your name; deliver us, and forgive our sins, for your name's sake.
10 Why should the nations say, "Where is their God?" Let the avenging of the outpoured blood of your servants be known among the nations before our eyes.
11 Let the groans of the prisoners come before you; according to your great power preserve those doomed to die.
12 Return sevenfold into the bosom of our neighbors the taunts with which they taunted you, O Lord!
13 Then we your people, the flock of your pasture, will give thanks to you forever; from generation to generation we will recount your praise.

This ends our reading of the psalm.

Our psalm speaks of God as the one who punishes the people out of jealousy and anger. There is a strain of theology in the Bible that speaks about God being a punishing judge, or a disciplinarian father. That is there, for justice's sake. We do experience natural consequences of our actions.

Sometimes we suffer because of someone else's actions. People die of accidents, disease, and old age. And we grieve. In our reading from Jeremiah, we have a picture of God lamenting for the people. Jeremiah begins chapter 8 by complaining that the people have held fast to deceit and no one repents of wicked ness. Even the scribes write what is false. Everyone is greedy, including the prophet and priest. The leaders treat the wound of God's people carelessly, saying “Peace, peace,” when there is no peace.

In our reading, Jeremiah gives voice to God's lament. Listen for the word of God as it is found in Jeremiah 8:18-9:1.

My joy is gone, grief is upon me, my heart is sick.
Hark, the cry of my poor people from far and wide in the land
"Is the LORD not in Zion? Is her King not in her?"
("Why have they provoked me to anger with their images, with their foreign idols?")
"The harvest is past, the summer is ended , and we are not saved ."
For the hurt of my poor people I am hurt, I mourn, and dismay has taken hold of me. Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there? Why then has the health of my poor people not been restored . O that my head were a spring of water, and my eyes a fountain of tears, so that I might weep day and night for the slain of my poor people!

This ends our reading from Jeremiah. We don't often think of God as the grieving one, but it's right here in Jeremiah. Some of you can relate to weeping day and night; some of you have known grief that grabs you, and doesn't let go, and stays with you for what seems like forever. When we are grieving, the image of God as a punishing judge is not helpful.

I know a woman who grew up thinking God was only a punishing judge, ready to cast her out for her sins. She introduced the hymn “Jesus Lover of My Soul” by talking about her experiences as a child in church. When she heard this hymn, she was amazed . It was the first time she knew Jesus loved her. I know many of you have gone to church for most of your lives, and it isn't news to you that Jesus loves you. It isn't news to you that God aches for our troubles, and longs for us to be healed . But even though it isn't news to you, it is still good news for all of us. Let's listen to the choir proclaim the word of God.

Anthem

Loving God, you have so made us that we cannot live by bread alone, but by every word that proceed s from your mouth. Give us a hunger for your Word, and in that food satisfy our daily need ; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Some of you have asked me what to say to families who are grieving. We long to be a part of God's work, bringing balm to people's hurts. And many of us don't know how.

I learned that lament psalms can be helpful, even when grief has grabbed someone and won't let go. Faithful people have experience grief for millennia. Faithful people have tried to address it for millennia. Blaming God, being angry at God, demanding God's vengeance, and bargaining with God are not signs of bad faith. Psalm 79 is filled with those very signs. They are signs of being human, of wanting suffering to end. The psalms are models for our prayers, even psalm 79.

Serving God faithfully doesn't keep us from suffering. Some of us have Christian friends who think that Christianity is always about smiling brightly and any tears indicate we are not true Christians; any suffering is an indication of God's displeasure.

But the psalm shows us another way. And the words of Jeremiah show us God's longing for our comfort and peace and salvation. God longs for people to care for one another, to bring balm to each other. Our own experiences can be a balm for someone else.

Lynn Kelley was widowed at 34, and lost her father and many other family members. As a result, she learned some specific things to say and do to comfort a friend in a time of loss. She found herself being consulted by many people. So she decided to write a book. She interviewed survivors who had lost husbands, wives, children, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, grandmothers and grandfathers. They talked about what their friends did in the first few weeks after the death and over time that helped them.

“Go over to the house. Give them a hug and tell them you are sorry. Take off your hat and coat and look around. See what need s to be done.”

“I was 13 and I was almost overjoyed to see my friends at my mother's wake. I didn't think any of them cared .”

“I knew I couldn't go to Spokane to my uncle's funeral, so I called my aunt and asked what day the service was going to be held. I told her I would go to church here on that day.”

“My friends were out of state and couldn't come, so they had a service on the same day within an hour of when we had Ryan's service. They had flowers, they played the recording of what our oldest son was going to say, and had a complete service just as though we were there.”

It occurred to me as I read through these that one of the things we do when we come to worship is we remind ourselves that God is here, with us. We are not alone. We read words from people of faith about their relationship with God, which is as often stormy as it is calm. God knows how to comfort us. Sometimes comfort comes in the form of a whiny psalm that gives us permission to be mean and angry at God. We do not have to hold back.

“If the bereaved person wants to talk, let him or her talk and say the same thing over and over. You have to talk it out of your system. Even if it is monotonous or boring or grisly, it is the healing process. Friendship, like parenthood, is not always about the good times. You have to listen, even if they are driving you nuts.”

“A volunteer from hospice went back to the house, turned on the lights, and the radio and made coffee so it wouldn't be dark when the family got home.”

“An old, old friend of my daddy's came by. He couldn't talk. He just put his hand to his heart and gave me a hug. That was all he needed to do.”

“I wrote a speech when I was in middle school about how I can change tomorrow. It was for the next little kid whose father had died , and it said, ‘Here's my shoulder, come and cry on it.'”

My dad always used to tell me how he would protect me. After he died I felt that protective barrier had slipped away. One day my best friend and I were talking about some guy we were oogling over and her dad said to her, ‘If I ever see you with him I will kick you in the butt.' Then he looked at me and said, ‘That goes for you, too.' Saying that meant a lot to me. It meant I had that father figure. Fathers always talk about having to chase the boys away.”

The people Kelly interviewed also talked about what did not help.

A woman speaks of her father who died at age 70 of heart failure. She said

“My dad had four tickets on the Nebraska forty-five –yard line, twelve rows up. He used to say he wouldn't be cold before somebody would ask for those tickets. He was right. His funeral was on Wednesday and that afternoon the phone rang and a guy said, ‘I'm sorry about your dad. By the way, what are you girls going to do with those football tickets?'”

“My son had a pet python. We got a call from someone who barely expressed sympathy, just said, ‘I'll take the snake.' Instead, I called the Chicago Herpetological Society and will never forget how enormously kind the representative was. He sent us a picture of Stinky in his new habitat and wrote how he was really a she and would be laying eggs soon. He said because Dan had taken such good care of her, she would be taken around to schools.” (1)

All these stories have come from the most helpful book I've read all year. It's called Don't Ask for the Dead Man's Golf Clubs: What to Do and Say (and What Not to) When a Friend Loses a Loved One. I got a copy for the church and I will be happy to lend it out to anyone who wants to read it. It's easy to read, and the messages stay with you.

There's a lot of bad theology out there in the world, about why people suffer, and God's will, and God's punishment, and what disease is a blessing and what isn't. Some days it is up to us Presbyterians to stand up and say, “you know, that wasn't God's will. I bet God is crying for you right now.”

And sometimes that is the balm that all of us need —knowing that God cares for us enough to cry over us, enough to send someone to show us the way. And so we are invited to this table to remember.

(1) Kelly, Lynn. Don't Ask for the Dead Man's Golf Clubs. p. 113-114